Bienvenido appeals over a rook he had already let go

"The hearing opens at eleven fourteen. Let the record show that my pharmacy opens at one."

That is how the verbatim transcript begins of the appeals committee meeting for the Second Almazul Chess Club Autumn Tournament, held in the back room of the Nuevo Casino bar. It was taken down, by hand and in his own fashion, by Basilio Tobajas, club president and retired electrician. It is published as it stands, stage directions included.

REMEDIOS ALCAINE (federated arbiter and the village pharmacist): Right. Appeal number one in the history of this tournament. First, the deadline. Don Basilio, what do the rules you drew up say?

BASILIO TOBAJAS (club president, retired electrician): They say appeals must be lodged within fifteen seconds of the end of the game.

REMEDIOS: Fifteen seconds.

BASILIO: It is a typo. I wrote fifteen minutes and the council photocopier did as it pleased.

REMEDIOS: The game finished at a quarter to eleven and the appeal came in at six minutes past. Under the printed rules, twenty minutes and forty-five seconds late. Under the rules you meant to write, six minutes late.

BIENVENIDO SARASOLA (retired baker, 71, board 2): I had gone to the gents.

REMEDIOS: I know, because you described it to me in the corridor at length. I am admitting it anyway, and let the record say why: because the rules of a tournament have to be legible to a player of seventy-one without a magnifying glass, and these are printed in eight point. Don Basilio, for next year, twelve point and fifteen minutes.

BASILIO: Minuted.

REMEDIOS: Now then. Don Bienvenido, read out what you have written.

BIENVENIDO: What I have written is that the lad touched the rook.

REMEDIOS: Read it in full.

BIENVENIDO: "I claim that my opponent, on move twenty-two, touched the rook on h1 with two fingers and then moved the knight. Touch-move."

REMEDIOS: Correct as to the rule. Article 4.3 says that if you touch one of your own pieces intending to move it, you move it. And 4.2.1 says that if you want to straighten it, you must say so BEFORE, out loud. The words are "I adjust". The French say j'adoube, and plenty of people here say it too because it sounds classy.

[Secretary's note: don Bienvenido makes a gesture with his hand that does not appear in the record.]

ÍKER MENDILUCE (14, third-year student, board 2): I said "I adjust".

BIENVENIDO: I did not hear it.

ÍKER: I said it.

BIENVENIDO: And I did not hear it, which is a different thing.

REMEDIOS: That is exactly the problem with every touch-move claim in the world, and it is why we all hate them. Was anyone watching?

BASILIO: Doña Amelia was on board four.

AMELIA RUIZ DE GAUNA (80, retired, board 4): I was playing my own game, and I was winning for the first time in eleven years.

REMEDIOS: Did you hear anything?

AMELIA: I hear badly on the right. On the left I hear everything, and what I heard was don Bienvenido huffing. He has been huffing since round one.

BIENVENIDO: Huffing is not in the rules.

REMEDIOS: No, but article 11.5 says you may not distract your opponent, and you have spent two days huffing over the board. I am noting it and we move on.

NIEVES MENDILUCE (veterinary surgeon, the player's mother): May I say something?

REMEDIOS: You may, but it does not count as evidence.

NIEVES: I do not care about the point. Give it to him, if it has to be given. What I do not want is for my son to walk out of here and have the village say he cheats, because that lasts a great deal longer than a tournament.

REMEDIOS: I understand that and it goes in the minutes exactly as you said it. Don Basilio, write it out in full.

BASILIO: On it.

REMEDIOS: And now I want both scoresheets.

[Secretary's note: the scoresheets are handed over. The arbiter studies them for two minutes and twenty seconds without saying a word. This secretary takes the opportunity to note that the coffee is going cold.]

REMEDIOS: Don Bienvenido.

BIENVENIDO: Yes?

REMEDIOS: You write your moves down before you play them.

BIENVENIDO: I write them down so as not to lose my place.

REMEDIOS: Quite. Article 8.1.2 forbids recording moves in advance: you play first and write afterwards. What you do was legal until 2005 and has not been for twenty-one years.

BIENVENIDO: Nobody ever told me.

REMEDIOS: Somebody is telling you right now. And there is a worse detail. Here, on move twenty-two, you have written down a move the boy had not yet made. You wrote Nf3 before he moved. Which means you already knew where the knight was going.

ÍKER: It was the only move.

REMEDIOS: It was the only move, yes. With the queen on g5 he had nothing else.

BIENVENIDO: That does not undo the fact that he touched the rook.

BASILIO: Doña Remedios, one thing I have been watching for two days and saying nothing about. The boy moves with his right hand and hits the clock with his left.

REMEDIOS: And where do you watch it from, if board two has its back to the door?

BASILIO: From the bar.

REMEDIOS: From the bar.

BASILIO: There is a camera. An old phone on a tripod above boards one and two, and it goes to the bar television over the wi-fi so the regulars can watch the games without getting up. It started as a joke and now they bet coffees on it.

[Secretary's note: this secretary records that the camera is his and that until today nobody had asked.]

REMEDIOS: The clock is pressed with the same hand that made the move, article 6.2.3. It is an infringement and it gets a warning.

ÍKER: The clock is on my left and I move with my right. If I press it with my right I have to reach right across the board.

REMEDIOS: Then it is the clock that is wrongly placed. Where the clock goes is the arbiter's decision, and I am the arbiter. Don Basilio, the one on board two changes sides before the afternoon round.

BASILIO: Minuted.

REMEDIOS: And now the camera. Does it record?

BASILIO: It records because I could not work out how to turn the recording off.

REMEDIOS: Put it on for me.

[Secretary's note: the video is played on the arbiter's telephone. Everything is fairly audible. The boy's hand is visible and so is don Bienvenido's.]

REMEDIOS: Stop. Ten seconds back, and turn the volume up.

[Secretary's note: on the recording don Bienvenido's voice is clearly heard saying: "Touch the rook, man, it is crooked and it is getting on my nerves." Four seconds later the boy is heard to say "I adjust", and he is seen straightening the rook with one finger and releasing it on its square. Twelve seconds later he moves the knight.]

[Secretary's note: nobody says anything for a good while. The coffee is now stone cold.]

AMELIA: That I did hear.

BIENVENIDO: I was speaking generally.

REMEDIOS: You told him to touch the rook, he announced that he was adjusting the piece, and he straightened it. Then he moved the knight, which was the only move he had. The appeal is dismissed. The result of the game stands as signed.

BIENVENIDO: And my business with writing moves early?

REMEDIOS: Your business with writing moves early gets a warning today and a penalty next Sunday, which is what an arbiter does with a man of seventy-one who has been recording wrongly for three decades and whom nobody ever corrected. Don Basilio, minute the decision.

BASILIO: Minuted.

REMEDIOS: And either take the camera off board two or put up a sign, because if the men at the bar can hear what is said at the tables, this is no longer a chess club, it is a radio programme.

BASILIO: It is thanks to that camera that we settled the appeal.

REMEDIOS: Quite. That is why I am not saying take it down. I am saying put up the sign.

[Secretary's note: the session closes at two minutes past twelve. It is recorded that don Bienvenido went over to the boy before leaving.]

BIENVENIDO: Listen.

ÍKER: What.

BIENVENIDO: That rook really was crooked. I stand by that.

ÍKER: I know. I knocked it crooked on move fifteen to make you nervous.

[Secretary's note: don Bienvenido laughed, which is the first thing he has done all tournament, and said to the boy the last thing recorded in these minutes.]

BIENVENIDO: Then you are one of mine and I have nothing to appeal.